Wednesday, April 10, 2013


I can't focus.  My mind is a in a blur.  So many thoughts in my head that I don't know which one to focus on first. I have pictures to edit, a house to clean, laundry to do, a trip to pack for, and for some reason I cannot seem to get any of it done.  I just keep thinking about our lives right now and what God is wanting for us.  Is it Singing? Preaching? Mission work? All of it?  I keep reading "Sell all you have and follow Me." What does that mean? Are we supposed to do that? Do we sell our house and downsize? Are we supposed to move out of Shreveport or stay here?  I don't know. I am trying to just "Be Still" and wait for God to show us. Of course I am having a hard time being still, because I want so badly to do something now. I don't want to just be consumed with thoughts of what I would like to do. I want to act on them.  I am praying, searching, asking for direction, and I feel like my prayers are so jumbled that they don't even make sense.  But I know that God understands my heart.  He is doing something to me and in me. I like it, but it's making me crazy. It's making me do things, write things, say things that I never pictured myself doing and that are outside of my comfort zone.  And when I say outside my comfort zone, I mean that I have always worried too much about what other people think, and typically I would not write, say, or share some of the feelings and thoughts that I have here lately with some of the people (even complete strangers) that I have shared with...for fear of rejection, fear of looking foolish, fear of failure to follow through with what I say.  Um, take this blog post for example. I don't even know what I'm saying right now.  I'm just thinking out loud and sharing my heart, because I can't seem to focus on anything else.  Some of what I have done lately,  I have seen how God was in it and why He gave me the courage to follow through with what I felt led to do.  And for other things, I am trying not to let feelings of foolishness creep up in me, and to just know that He has a reason for laying those things on my heart too.

I guess you could say that I have just been feeling very overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with a love for my God and Savior and a desire to give all I have to Him. Overwhelmed with a desire to reach "the least of these." Overwhelmed with gratitude for the life and the beautiful family that He has given me.  Overwhelmed by the change of heart that I have had since having Deacon.  But I have also been feeling unworthy, undeserving, and incapable of doing things that I know that God is calling me to do.  I had the opportunity to attend a Casting Crowns concert this past week.  I love the group and their songs.  We listen to them all of the time, and Dustin sings them in church.  But when I listened to the words of a lot of these songs last Thursday night it was like I was hearing them for the first time. Really hearing them. God was speaking to me through those songs.  One in particular that He used to speak to me about these particular feelings was "Voice of Truth." I know the song. Know it well.  I sing along every time I hear it, but I have never truly listened to it understanding what it meant.

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. 'Boy, you'll never win!'
"You'll never win"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a Sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again "boy, you'll never win!
"You'll never win"

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

My prayer is that God will allow me to put all of my fears aside, to listen only to "The Voice of Truth," and to not just tip-toe, but to take a giant leap out of my comfort zone.  And if God could just go ahead and email me a five-year plan, I would reeeallly appreciate it, because this unknown business is killing me! Yeah, I know He doesn't work that way, and there is a reason He doesn't allow us to know how, when, and why things happens sometimes. Until then, I am going to do my best to stay in His word, in prayer, and to serve where I am.  

Here are some verses that have stuck out to me lately.
"Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken." Psalm 55:22. 
"In all thy ways, acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy path." Proverbs 3:6. 
"Ask, and it shall be given unto you; seek and you will find; knock and it shall be opened unto you." Matthew 7:7.

And since I can't blog without pictures, I'll share a few more overwhelming moments.

Some that overwhelm me with fear. Fear of the future and the teenage years.  (Sister has been all into dressing up, wearing heels, wearing make-up, putting on fake tattoos, and get this...wearing a BRA! She is only 5! Please pray for me people. I'm scared!)

But mostly moments that overwhelm me with joy and happiness...

Dying Easter Eggs

Baking cookies for the home bound and shut-ins and delivering them. Oh, what a blessing!

 Big Boy's first egg hunt. He kept saying, "Ball". :)

 And this is the best we could do for a family Easter photo since there was a monsoon going on outside, but it still makes me happy.

Okay, well now that I have all of that off of my chest, I have a house to clean. Maybe now I can focus a little better. Thanks to whoever just listened. ;)