Deacon is taking a nap. The big kids are at the neighbor's house playing. Dustin is at a shower serving the food that he cooked all night, and here I am sitting here at the computer with a handful of banana-flavored puffs and a cup of coffee. (
Yes, I am eating Gerber baby puffs. I like them, they are low calorie, and they are keeping me from attacking the lemon creme cupcakes that are in my refrigerator right now. So what.)
I have been wanting to blog for a while now, and of course I have tons of pictures stored up from all of the fun things that we've been doing over the past month. Those things were fun. Those things were memorable, and I'll share them briefly, but I want to share what is heavy on my heart right now.
I have said it many times before, but...This face. This smile. This little boy has changed me and my heart.
But ultimately it is God who has changed and is continuing to change me through Deacon. I have noticed over the past sixteen months, that bit by bit the walls of selfishness, greed, and pride that have surrounded me for years are starting to crumble, and I don't want it to stop.
Over the past month, and I guess really since my last blog post, I have begun to have huge feelings of guilt over the way I have been living my life. Sure I go to church. I teach Sunday School. I tithe (when it's easy to). I help cook for our Wednesday night services. I squeeze in a few quiet times throughout the week. I bless my food and sometimes say a few other prayers throughout the day when I need to or when I think about it. And I think to myself "
Jesus, you. are. welcome." In my shallow-minded little brain I think I am impressing God, when in reality I am just disgusting Him. That is clearly stated in Isaiah 64:6..."
and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags." I tend to have the mentality that "
I don't drink, smoke, cuss, chew, or hang around with those who do," so I am doing pretty good.
And I couldn't be more wrong. Yeah, ok...so I don't do those things, but so what?! What DO I do? What do I do for God? What do I do for others? Absolutely nothing!
I live my life for myself and for my family, and to heck with the rest of the world. I am good. I have my nice little house in a nice little neighborhood. Drive nice little vehicles. We clearly never miss a meal. My kids go to good schools. Dress well. Have more toys than they could ever even think about playing with. We take lots of fun trips. And blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. The list goes on and on. And we spend our days wondering what is the next thing we can do or buy for ourselves. We live what you would call the "
American Dream" constantly wanting more, more, more, more. Not only am I disgusting God, but I am beginning to disgust myself. I don't want to live that way. I want to be different. I want my life to mean something. I want to be set apart. I want to stop living my life for myself and things, and start living for others. And I want to be an example for my kids. I don't want them growing up totally consumed by themselves and self-gratification. I want to teach them how to love others more than themselves. After all, that is part of the Great Commandment. Jesus said in Mark 12:31, "
Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these." I am ready to follow his commandment.
Music inspires me. I love music. All kinds of music. Here lately, I feel like every song that comes on K-Love is speaking to me. Several songs have stood out to me more than others, but there is one song right now that sums up everything on my heart and mind right now, and it is "My Own Little World" by Matthew West. I encourage you to
click here and watch this video.
In my own little world it hardly ever rains
I never gone hungry, always felt safe
I got some money in my pocket, shoes on my feet
In my own little world
Population: Me
I try to stay awake during Sunday morning church
I throw a twenty in the plate but I never give till it hurts
And I turn off the news when I don't like what I see
Yeah it's easy to do when it's
Population: Me
What if there's a bigger picture?
What if I'm missing out?
What if there's a greater purpose
I could be living right now
Outside my own little world
Stopped at a red light, looked out my window
I saw a cardboard sign, said "Help this homeless widow"
And just above that sign was the face of a human
I thought to myself, "God, what have I been doing?"
So I rolled down the window and I looked her in the eye
How many times have I just passed her by?
I gave her some money then I drove on through
In my own little world reached
Population: Two
What if there's a bigger picture?
What if I'm missing out?
What if there's a greater purpose
I should be living right now
Outside my own little world
My own little world
Father break my heart for what breaks yours
Give me open hands and open doors
And put your light in my eyes and let me see
That my own little world is not about me
What if there's a bigger picture?
What if I'm missing out?
What if there's a greater purpose
That I could be living right now
I don't wanna miss what matters
I wanna be reaching out
Show me the greater purpose
So I can start living right now
Outside my own little world
My own little world
My own little world
God is opening my eyes to the "bigger picture." I don't know what our future holds. Things are changing. God is closing doors in our life, but He is opening up hearts. Mine and Dustin's both. I am ready. We are ready. I am willing. We are willing. To do what He wants us to do. Whatever that is. It is scary to think about what that could mean, but it is just as equally exciting. We are praying each day for His will for us to be revealed. I may not know the what, when, or how right now, but there is one thing I know for sure, and that is I want to quit living in "Population: Me". I want to quit "missing out." I want out of "my own little world."
And just incase you are upset about no pictures and wonder what's been going on, here you go...
Valentine's Day..
Mardi Gras...
School programs...
Operation "Get the *Blankety-Blank* Laundry Done" turned into a fun family night. (
Have I mentioned that I despise laundry?)
And last, but not least Sister turned 5. Which really made me want to cry. We celebrated the actual day with a girl's lunch, trip to Arts on Fire & Barnes and Noble, a mini-birthday session, and a Chinese dinner with friends and family. We then took birthday trip to Houston where she got her ear's pierced in the Galleria and took a trip to Build-A-Bear. (
Ok, people, so this was prior to the moment where I began to feel extremely guilty about our lifestyle and the desire to minimize began to lay heavy on my heart. In fact, it could have been the cause.)
Oh and aside from the miracle of God changing my heart, one more miracle has taken place...I have begun to read. Two books in one week, and I'm half-way through the third one. That is a big deal for me. Typically, if it doesn't have pictures and big words, I'm out. I am the person who made her way through school using cliff notes and choosing books that had a movie to follow along. And should you ever have to read "
The Scarlett Letter", let me just warn you...the movie and the book have two totally different endings. I learned that the hard way my Junior year with a presentation to my class in which I informed them that everyone lived happily-ever-after, and my teacher informed me (in front of everyone) that in the book Hester dies and they did not live happily-ever-after. (
Dang you, Demi Moore! You failed me and made me look like a fool.) If only Mrs. Nitz could see me now. But more about my reading expeditions next time.
